7/27/22 11:44 PM

So I feel the end of the month is going better than the start.

For starters I just got my new laptop. The ASUS Zephyrus M16! I am so excited about this purchase it makes me stupid. I have literally never bought myself anything this nice before. I have been putting it through some tests and its been blowing my mind. If you told me a few years ago that I would have a nice gaming laptop I would think you were crazy. I would never have let myself get this.

In fact that is a whole other thing about today. I drove to pick this up from another town. Its not really a far drive but it wasnt too long ago that I couldn't drive at all. I was too wrapped up in my phobia of driving back then. I've made this exact drive before, but never alone and I always needed to calm down afterwards. Now today I went by myself to pick up my new laptop and I went home completely fine. I didn't even think of the drive again until now. Its crazy how things change. For years I never thought this was possible but now I feel alive.

In other news I am now diving into Gundam. Its slow going because I'm starting with the universal century and its slow going through the old 70s movie rendition of the series. Don't get me wrong I actually really enjoy whats going on. Ususally I can't vibe with very old anime like that but this is very interesting so far. I absolutely adore Char. My biggest thing is that by the time I can watch them I am gettinf really tired. I will get through it, but it might take a little while... and a few naps

I think the lesson of this month is that I NEED change. I had some really nice changes from computers, to series I'm jumping into, to just generally what I can handle. I think I will continue to change. The more I peel away at who I used to be the more I find that I like what is underneath.

7/3/22 - 3:30 AM

Thanks to a series of( unfortunate to some but fortunate to me) circumstances I am now smack dab in the middle of a four day weekend. This comes off the tail end of a 13 day stretch of work. It is very much appreciated. I was not meant to get such a break but here we are. It has been a lot of work the past while. Not a ton of days off. I consider myself fortunate for the job I have, but it can be difficult going through such long stretches of work with little time off. Nothing I can't handle so don't worry.

I'm hopeful though. I won't lie. The longer stretches of work has made this first half of the year an exceedingly lonely feeling time. Many days spent only seeing my wife for 30 minutes a day. Having to miss out on some fun friend time. It led to me constantly sleeping 10 hours a day. Luckily for me I've had my hours adjusted recently to allow me more time to see my wife. That's helped a lot, but I am still shaking off the residual loneliness I am feeling. I don't know why I am feeling this. I have family and friends. It's just a sticky feeling.

In brighter news, in celebration of having some actual time off we went to a bigger city and had probably the most fun I had all year. I spent... way too much money, but man what point is there to working a lot and not spending the money? The highlights were getting a Final Fantasy 7 Barret figure and a couple of pairs of the recent Sailor Moon collab Vans! I adore Sailor Moon and I am a slut for Vans. I had to take advantage of this. Also the boxes they come in are so fucking cool??? I am never going to get rid of them. My shoes will fall apart before I let go of them.

I still have a few more days before I go back to work. I don't know what I am going to do but I am going to try to enjoy myself. It has been difficult up until now... Especially with recent politcal situations. I have some personal glimmers of hope so I am going to focus on those. I hope you focus on your hope to in all this.

It's getting late. Sorry if this is a bit oddly written. I am very tired right now. Good night friend!