9/20/22 11:38 PM

I apologize for my recent absence. Haven't had much private time recently but that has passed and now I am free to explore my thoughts here some more.

I had a very uninteresting day recently. I figured out a good set up to use my TV with my laptop for games. I played around with the HDR settings to get Final Fantasy 7 Remake looking good on my TV. I didn't even play the game after that. I played Cyberpunk. When the sun came up I decided to go get some groceries. I left a little early and just chilled out in my car while I waited for them to open their doors. I took my time shopping just kind of thinking about nothing in particular. I considered if I was going to get breakfast anywhere afterwards but I decided against it. I tried a few new things. Got some old comforts. It was nice.

When I sat down in my car loaded with groceries I sat there and thought about how I was acting a lot like my dad. I thought of twitter or facebook post I saw floating around the web about how mexican dads will disappear in the morning without saying anything and come back with groceries. It was funny. Then I reflect on who I am. I felt a little scared because I felt like I didn't recognize myself. Getting groceries at dawn, driving, being self sufficient doesn't feel like me. Those are all good things but its scary when you discover small new quirks with you every day. It feels like having a surprise room mate change after being comfortable for years with the older shittier one.

Not to say that this new roommate is bad. All these changes are definitely for the better. Even the small things. Things that would set me in a bad mood don't bother me. I feel more open to try new things. Who am I? This doesn't feel like the me I knew, but I guess that old version of me is gone. Its exciting and sad. Actually just thought of this as I was typing all this. I was looking forward to my high school reunion for the last couple of years. The way I used to be I think was an extension of who I was in high school. I was trapped in the past and was hoping that I could make it back to my home town this year for my reunion. I know it was a bit of a silly idea because I know that my entire old emo friend group will not be there. There was a part of me that was hoping to rekindle the feelings of my high school years a bit. That is sad to say but I enjoyed my high school years and kind of clinged to them for a long time. It was a time I didn't feel the grasps of stagnant depression. it was a time that even though I was a restricted teen my mind felt free. Only now I realize that I'm going to miss it and I'm going to be okay. I guess that means I have moved on. I would like to meet my old friends I said bye to at graduation again, but I can do that outside of the context of missing the emotional freedom of high school.

So who am I now? I am almost 30 now. I have some gender expression stuff to work out this decade at some point when I'm in a secure point in my life. I find myself not going for sweets as much. I don't panic being alone anymore.I am finally really diving into learnign more technical skills. Theres a lot of similarities to who I used to be so its not like its brand new. I just look at things different. I DON'T need to constantly try to feel how I felt in high school. I will always have a fondness for that time and nostalgia in general (I mean look at this site), but its not an emotional need like it once was. So if that is not as big of a need what is the thing that I need now? Companionship? I think thats it. I have been craving more connections and deeply value the new and old ones I have.

But! As a whole things are going well. I'm excited about learning who I am going to be in my 30s. That's coming up in a year (it was just my birthday last week). I know I am going to experience a lot of new things soon and can't wait to learn what they are. Even if I panic and cry a few times in the middle it's all going to be worth it.

I need to find some podcasts to listen to.

Good night!